Summer seems so close

Yet it also seems so far away. It seems nearer every day partially because of the enrollment the eighth graders have been doing the past few days.. Maybe it is from the happy go-lucky music I've been listening to this morning. Maybe it's because I have no school today or until Tuesday and I've been sitting here at the computer since nine just downloading music, talking on IM, and emailing Drisana about plans for this summer. Whatever it is, I feel like it's already summer and I'm just wasting time until Mum or Dad yells at me for not mowing the lawn yet. The only winter-y aspect of this morning was me running out to Matt's car to turn it on (ten or twenty minutes after he told me to, damn it) barefoot on the snow-covered driveway. Real smart, huh? Missy Higgins brought me back to reality that yesterday was Valentine's Day and Sam asked me to be his Valentine at like 8 o'clock last night, which I thought was real cute. He thought he couldn't ask me because it was Valentine's Day and because I was in Kansas. He can be so funny sometimes. Talking to him makes summer feel closer as well. Why? Hehe, well because I get to see him again this summer. Well, not really again - but technically, yeah it's "again." I met him last August which was when I went to Tucson last. I almost don't want to think of it as summer right now. I've always hated winter, but you have to go through winter to get to summer and to enjoy it. I wish I could just relax. I've never really been able to do that. I'm always on edge or thinking of something. I think too much and over-analyze everything. I also wish I could understand why feel the need to make up excuses to legitimate questions. And why people don't apologize for more things. That's something I also need to work on. When I was around four or five, I said "I'm sorry" whenever I did anything wrong. And I never meant it. I just kept saying it over and over, but I never realized what I was saying. Now I don't really say i'm sorry at all. I am sorry however, for not apologizing or forgiving people, even myself, for different things. I especially need to forgive myself for last year and the year before. I am way too hard on myself, as everyone says, but if I wasn't... I don't know what I'd do. I still feel guilty for the whole Chris thing last year and for everything with Joe this past year. I do just need to get over it though. I don' t know how I'm going to, but I need to. I really do need to. They say that everyone has that one true love. I don't know if I believe in true love anymore, though. I wish I could, but I don't know... It doesn't seem realistic anymore. It doesn't seem real. Is there really a guy out there for me? I'm not sure if I can believe things like that anymore. Is it one of those three-strikes-and-you're-out kind of things? I don't want to be out yet. I read way too many teen romance novels as a third grader. I still have this fake fairy-tale romance locked up inside of my head whenever anyone mentions love. But it is just like the winter/summer thing. You have to have the cold winter to appreciate the hot summer, just as you have to have the bad, lonely times to appreciate and love the happy moments. Okay, so COMPLETELY different topic.... but Brad Neely is a genius. Pure frigging genius. Seriously. Click here for some brilliant videos. Do it.